Windsor Gargoyles v Amersham & Chiltern
4th November 2006by Tony Brooke
The listing was posted by Windsor RFC - Seniors - Vets
Windsor Gargoyles 22 Amersham & Chiltern 5
And so to the third Gargoyle outing....these matches can actually only be arranged once a month due to the shortages of Deep Heat, Tubigrip and Vaseline created in the pharmacies of Windsor, and the need to bring in special shipments of Port and Sambucca from sunnier climes.
Having beaten myself at a boatrace (this is what the South African clown running this mad gig quaintly refers to as a 'Down Down' in his usual sophisticated manner) a concept that I'm still struggling to get my head round, I apparently won myself the privilege of writing the match report. The competition was tough but somehow I won through, and what a prize - it was really worth it!
Now I know that Shaun's first attempt for the Abbey match really did border on the surreal, to the extent that I am pretty sure his Gargoyle flagon contained Absinth, the hallucinogenic liqueur favoured by winos and artists (of all kinds!), and the second attempt at a report displayed all the usual research, accuracy and factual content that we have come to expect from our resident Sun Reporter (get it right Jamie I tripped over my GUT not my laces!), however, though I concede I am talented on the bullshit front, even I will struggle to write much about a first half that I only saw the kick off for as I left the Home Park to go home and deposit my car and the final scrum before half time that lead to a magnificent drive over A&C's ball for a much deserved try!
Even though I wasn't there, it is arguable that I have already surpassed the previous two reports in factual content.
What can I say?
We welcomed Amersham and Chiltern to the Home Park on a bright, sunny, autumn day.
Our visitors were worryingly turned out in pristine kit and definitely much younger than us on average, though the one exception to this was a lively gentleman who should really have been watching the game from a Bath Chair with his legs nice and snug 'neath a tartan rug, sucking on a Werthers Original!
More about him later (excuse the pun at your expense sir - fair play to you, I'm damn sure I won't be playing at that age! Many would argue that I'm not now).
Of course we're not short of nigh on geriatrics ourselves and for some reason as I type this the familiar figure of our proud and upright guardsman Dave Evans, making his debut, shuffles across my mind (a short journey!)!
Other debutants included Jas Atwal, he of the flowing locks, and Mark Deakin at Fly Half, the position that I am assured is where he first made his claim to fame, though I am sure there's been a few years, and even more visits to the carvery, since he last played there!
Lacking vital information about the first half I was compelled to speak to our leader JT. Strangely, what he told me of the half's three trys seemed to involve him playing a vital part in all of them - he does like his little jokes!
The first, I am informed, came from our flying wing Jas Atwal finishing off some fine handling down the back line from space created by the forwards. Mr Thomson laughingly informs me that he was at hand for the scoring pass but was ignored - as it was by a winger I think we all know the truth and he could hardly have ignored him with that bleedin' bellowing behind him can he?
The second try came from a powerful break at outside centre from Dean Williams who crossed the line stylishly.
The third was from the Coxmeister at the aforementioned driven scrum.
One of the trys was converted, I know it wasn't the third as I saw it and I'm guessing it was the second as a break from the outside centre is more likely to be central than from the winger. Who knows? Certainly not Mr Thomson, probably tired from all that magnificent support play!
Have I managed to divert you from the fact that I missed the first half with this diatribe of nonsense yet?
As I bowled on the pitch at half time to stake my claim for a place in the front row, I was concerned to see my dear friend Mr Kevin Richardson, sweating from every orifice, wearily but thankfully shake my hand and disappear off to the sideline.
I was compelled to disappoint him and inform him that he was carrying on as I chose to play hooker (look at the squad numbers man, do you expect me to actually do some work?). Managing to control the sobs, he came back on the pitch and Simon Price graciously made way for your correspondent and we decided that, rather than watch Kev perish on the field of play, he would go off after 15 minutes and I would prop.
Pressing on, I have to confess that I was looking forward to the scrummaging as it had appeared comfortable, shall we say, from the sideline and whilst I am pleased to say that in all combinations we have a very strong front row, tribute should also be paid to the grey hairs at lock, whose shove was most impressive, again from all parties involved.
It's great having Bailesie and the Coxmeister in the back row as it means that the rest of us fat boys only have to trouble ourselves with an occasional run whilst they do the real work, but there was some impressive, powerful forward play throughout, hampered only by A&C's insistence of coming into the ruck or maul on our side (has the Ripper been coaching them?), which always slows things down and puts you off a bit, though not Terry our ref it would seem!
We pretty much dominated the game without actually troubling the opposition's line too much, other than with another sublime try from Dean Williams, supporting the fullback with a loop and skipping down the left wing and diving over at the end in dramatic fashion.
Fly half Deakin had a great attempt at a very difficult conversion out wide, coming very close. It would be cheap and scoring easy points to say that he put all his weight behind it, but had that been the case the pill would still be in orbit! I should point out in fairness that Mark is probably a good two stone lighter than me.
Rob Hunt worked manfully at scrum half in place of Messrs Pyatt and Leach and particularly impressed with his backwards kick, a new concept that none of us had been familiar with prior to the game. No one can accuse us of not being innovative!
Other notable incidents included Bailesie saying "Bloody hell, Jas is playing for them now!" as he drove him into the ground, Rob Hunt and Rob Curtis playing some bizarre form of human pinball along the ground just in front of our try line, Mark Deakin's left footed clearance which was effective but definitely appeared modelled on a donkey, and, best of all, Ray Cox being cuffed round the ear by the Senior Citizen whilst being called a "scoundrel" or "cad" (or something similarly Famous Fiveish) for having the impertinence to tackle him!
And it is to this gentleman that the Golden Gargoyle Award for unbelievable play goes - arriving at a perfectly formed ruck (I may have been late in arriving or I may not!) we all watched in open mouthed disbelief as granddad pegs it around our side and fly hacks it at whoever the brave fellow was who was lying on the floor and the ball shoots out for play to continue. Admirably (not) Terry chose to ignore this misdemeanour, thus improving even further the sunny disposition of Simon Brooke who spent the game spreading his traditional sunshine and light!
By now I was playing tighthead and after a few adjustments in the first couple of scrums was enjoying myself acting as a conduit for the fantastic drive coming from behind and started to slip in an anaerobic coma at the extra effort, which is my excuse for ending the match report at this stage.
Chris Brown was named Man of the Match for the Gargoyles, to his great satisfaction, after some sterling runs in the loose and an impressive display in the scrum and was rewarded with the half yard of, I think, lager ("square ball, on the head, John" as Mr Unsworth always used to say).
Needless to say it got messy in the bar, with some fool buying Vermouth when the Port ran out, which then progressed to Sambucca (let's be honest, anything would have been a progression after Vermouth - I can still taste the oregano now!).
As usual a top day was had by all in this continuing Gargoylian adventure - a fine bunch of men who play with excellent spirit, fantastic camaraderie and strive both on and off the pitch to act in the true spirit of rugby.
Maidenhead and Christmas do up next...oh dear, oh dear!